Monday, January 30, 2012


This is my handsome husband.

Sunday, January 29, 2012


Today I feel like talking about work.

I'm not sure what qualifies as work at my job. Sometimes I feel useless, just waiting to do something or making sure the clients know what they need to do. But since there is a certain unwritten rule about no-helping but yes-helping a client, I find it really difficult to draw that line.

I think I perform at my best when someone tells me exactly what to do. But that's what animals can do. Just take commands and then follow through with them until they get a reward. Right?

This job is a challenge. Growing up, I didn't make a lot of my own decisions. The classes I took at school, the dance lessons, school projects, (not that I didn't love any of those things) and then, when I mentioned that I liked human anatomy my junior year, it was determined that I would go to med school. Let's trudge into that later.

I don't recall being passionate about any of these decisions. I just remember thinking, "I need to do what I have to in order to get where I need to be." Where was that? I don't know. Successful, I suppose. This causes me to question what successful means.

Today, I feel successful. In a few different ways.

  • I've found success in love. Which is something that I think a majority of people spend their entire lives doing. We don't have things and we aren't wealthy, but I am so completely taken with him every single day. My life is him. I am so happy with what I do have; our dogs. Intelligence. True joy! And luck. Or blessings. Chase doesn't have a brain tumor. His surgery didn't cripple or impair him in any way. Most days, we forget this. But we try to live in the moment, and be happy that we are so blessed and lucky. Chase has been reminding me with his new favorite phrase:

"We have such a great life, honey. I'm so happy."

I don't know anyone else who appreciates life as much as he does.

  • I've found success in a job that I love, for the time being. I get to help and watch people, which is something that I have found that I need in my life. It's not just random people, like in a doctor's office, it's people that I get to know. I work at an addict recovery program ( I have also decided that I feel dirty when I say drug addict, because it sounds degrading and the people are so wonderful, they just have a disease) and I get to see the women come in, very downtrodden, and ofttimes leave much happier, ready to get their lives back on track. It is one of the most rewarding jobs I have ever had.

  • I've also discovered that I am proud of myself for completing my degree. It is one that could get me a job anywhere in the country, and that I can apply to life daily. Success.

  • Chase and I have enough money to get us to wherever we want to go. That is something I want to do in life. Be a traveler. I fully intend to do so. We go on a lot of vacations during the year! And we always come out of it on top. Success.

I might live in this tiny house all of my life, working jobs that I love but don't get paid much for.

If I get to do it with someone I love, traveling the world and always coming back to our little old house in Cedar City, Utah. Back to our dogs, and jobs, and mediocre life, then I would spend 100 life times doing it. There is plenty of money to be made. I don't intend on trading it for memories.


Saturday, January 28, 2012

Take two.

I mean it this time. I need a photo/journal and I want to document my life. I don't have the memory for it, and no one else is going to do it for me. Unless maybe someday, someone wants to write a novel about my life, because maybe when I'm older I will have left a legacy. If even just for my peace of mind.

Maybe I'll write so I will know my thoughts when I'm old, and Chase and I will be forever happy in our alzheimer-y state.

Maybe I'll just write and write until I have no thoughts. That would be something!

In any case, I want to write about Chase and I and our dogs and mini-farm and beliefs and losses and triumphs and normalities. Days when all we do is love each other and I bake cupcakes and he throws pottery and we are enveloped in nothingness.This is what life means.

I'm ready to record and amplify.